Itching to join a conspiracy but not sure if you’re qualified?
So many are clamoring for admittance that conspiracy groups have become highly selective. It’s a seller’s market.
But be ye not dismayed! Below are 31 questions that can help you decide which conspiracy group you might be a good candidate for. Rest assured that your privacy is of paramount concern and we will share your neurotic tendencies only with Facebook.
The following self-administered questionnaire was developed in conjunction with (and has been certified reliable by) C&A LLC, a well-respected Research & Development consortium from the Tarheel State.
When you finish, tally up your ‘yes’ answers and scroll down to find out which conspiracy group is right for you.
Time Limit: 20 minutes
Attempts Allowed: 2 & ½
Self-Graded: DO NOT CHEAT!
“Yes” or “No”
1. Are you uncomfortable when something puzzles you?
2. Would you like to go to Roswell and see the UFO crash site?
3. Do you have a knack for perceiving patterns in random events?
4. Do you get bored much?
5. In conversations do you tend to be swayed by reason or emotion?
6. Are you frequently unsatisfied with simple explanations of large-scale events?
7. When you go to bed at night do you suck your thumb?
8. Do you sometimes feel powerless because things happen that you can’t control?
9. Do you think the economy is getting worse?
10. Do you think you are uniquely different from most of the people you meet or interact with?
11. Do you believe it is true that ‘knowledge is power’?
12. Do you sometimes feel anxious because society is changing so fast?
13. Do you sometimes feel that others don’t give you the respect that you deserve?
14. Do you feel like others don’t take seriously your religious beliefs?
15. Do you still throw temper tantrums when you can’t have your way?
16. Do feel like others look down on the group of friends you hang out with?
17. Do you wish you had completed more schooling?
18. Are you unemployed or in danger of losing your job?
19. Are you a member of an ethnic minority group?
20. Do you consider yourself more conservative than liberal?
21. Do you prefer to avoid discussions with people who have different opinions than you do?
22. Do you spend a lot of time on social media?
23. Do you find yourself mostly browsing websites that voice the same opinions and beliefs that you hold?
24. Do you feel that Government and powerful groups need watchdogs to keep them honest and transparent?
25. Do you prefer to trust alternative health sources rather than a conventional doctor?
26. Do you dismiss or downplay the latest weather extremes as just being temporary fluctuations?
27. Do you generally avoid donating money to political candidates or putting up signs in your yard?
28. Do you believe that violence is sometimes an acceptable way to express disagreement with the government?
29. Are you reluctant to change your lifestyle by engaging in climate friendly behavior?
30. Do gun control efforts upset you?
31. Do you still pick your nose and eat it when no one is looking?
Number of ‘yes’ answers reliably predicts which conspiracy group will provide the best fit for your time, talent and ambition.
Groups are organized into three categories according to new member availability and degree of outrageousness. Visit their respective websites and request a member application.
Remember that conspiracy groups require a wide range of skills – from slogan writers to sign waivers, debate coaches to talking-point creators, rabble rousers to disinformation specialists. Showcase your strengths and don’t hesitate to apply to more than one group.
It should go without saying that you should not seek to join a conspiracy group if you are reasonably well adjusted and possess a modicum of critical thinking skills.
If you answered ‘yes’ 25-31 times, the following conspiracy groups are recommended as a good match for your splendid constellation of debilitating mental health issues.
1. CHEMICALS IN THE WATER ARE TURNING FROGS GAY
One of Alex Jones’ most notorious conspiracy theories is that the government is using chemicals in order to turn people gay, using a mysterious “gay bomb” devised by the Pentagon.
“The reason there’s so many gay people now is because it’s a chemical warfare operation, and I have the government documents where they said they’re going to encourage homosexuality with chemicals so that people don’t have children,” he said on his broadcast in 2010, according to NBC News.
Five years later, the theory took a turn. In a rant that has since become a meme and a line of t-shirts, Jones said he didn’t like the government “putting chemicals in the water that turn the friggin’ frogs gay.”
“The majority of frogs in most areas of the United States are now gay,” Jones said in 2017. The claim was without evidence.
In 1994, a government lab did request funds to pursue the development of a weapon that would turn enemy combatants gay, though the project was quickly shelved and no such weapon was developed. A 2013 report in Gizmodo notes that the same lab also requested funding for “bad-breath bombs, flatulence bombs and bombs designed to attract swarms of stinging insects to enemy combatants,” noting that “the gay bomb is certainly the most novel.”
2. THE GOVERNMENT HAS ‘WEATHER WEAPONS’
Jones doesn’t just believe that secretive forces are at work to control people’s minds: He has also warned, for years, about government efforts to control the weather to wreak havoc on unsuspecting citizens.
In a 2013 broadcast, Jones warned that “of course there’s weather weapon stuff going on,” according to a transcript produced by Media Matters, a left-leaning watchdog organization. “We had floods in Texas like fifteen years ago, killed thirty-something people in one night. Turned out it was the Air Force.”
Jones acknowledged the existence of “natural” tornadoes, but insisted that a May 2013 tornado that killed two dozen people and left more than 200 injured may have been orchestrated by the government, which he said “can create and steer groups of tornadoes.”
In a broadcast this summer, Jones maintained that “there is weather-modification going on.”
“They tell you about the stuff you know about, GPS and all of that. But when it comes to controlling the weather, they don’t. But it’s in all the trade publications, the university publications. It’s all there, and that’s my frustration,” he said.
3. REPTILIAN RULERS
In 1998, former BBC sports reporter David Icke published a book called “The Biggest Secret,” which launched one of history’s most bizarre conspiracy theories — and it still exists today.
The movement believes that shape-shifting reptilian extraterrestrials have overtaken global society at the highest levels, from prime ministers and presidents to Olympic athletes and Oscar-winning actors.
Responsible for events like 9/11 and the Holocaust, the goal of these reptilian rulers is to enslave the human race.
If you answered ‘yes’ 18-24 times, the following conspiracy groups are recommended as a good match for your modest-but-promising array of psychic warts.
4. HILLARY CLINTON IS RUNNING A CHILD SEX RING OUT OF A PIZZA PARLOR
Jones did not invent the so-called “pizzagate” conspiracy theory.
But Edgar Maddison Welch, the self-proclaimed “investigator” who fired multiple rounds into the kid-friendly D.C. pizzeria Comet Ping Pong in late 2016, followed Jones on Facebook and listened to his radio show, according to reports at the time. Welch was later sentenced to four years in prison.
The “pizzagate” conspiracy theory included the baseless claims that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her top associates were running a demonic sex-trafficking ring inside the pizza shop. Jones promoted the theory on his web site and on social media.
Followers of the conspiracy relied on opaque “clues” hidden in emails exchanged between Clinton and her campaign chairman, John Podesta, which were stolen by hackers and then released by Wikileaks in the final weeks of the 2016 election. An indictment obtained by Mueller in July alleged that those emails were obtained by Russian intelligence officers.
Jones issued an apology for his role in promoting the pizzagate conspiracy on the day that Welch pleaded guilty.
“I want our viewers and listeners to know that we regret any negative impact our commentaries may have had on [Comet Ping Pong owner James] Alefantis, Comet Ping Pong, or its employees,” Jones wrote. “We apologize to the extent our commentaries could be construed as negative statements about Mr. Alefantis or Comet Ping Pong, and we hope that anyone else involved in commenting on Pizzagate will do the same thing.”
5. THE SANDY HOOK SHOOTING WAS STAGED
Infowars host Alex Jones is to conspiracy theories what Jerry Garcia was to psychedelic rock.
One of the few conspiracy theories that has led to real consequences for Jones is his claim that the 2012 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School that left 26 dead, including 20 children between six and seven years old, was a hoax that employed so-called “crisis actors.”
Jones claimed that the shooting was “completely fake” and staged – the 6- and 7-year-old victims were child actors, and their parents were paid to lie – in order to promote more restrictive gun control policies.
Easily convinced, his cult-like following bombarded the still-mourning families with harassment, accusations, and even death threats. It was arguably the grossest, but certainly not the first or only, false-flag conspiracy theory.
Earlier this year, families of children who were killed in the shooting sued Jones for defamation, specifically citing comments he made in an April 2017 broadcast titled “Sandy Hook Vampires Exposed.”
After originally calling the shooting a “hoax,” Jones later said that he believed it “really happened” but insisted that the families suing him were agents of the Democratic Party.
6. FALSE FLAGS
So-called false-flag operations — the act of a nation deliberately fabricating an attack against itself as a justification for war or internal repression — are as old as the hills and are very much real.
It’s now known that the second Gulf of Tonkin incident, which the United States used as a pretext for the Vietnam War, was a false-flag operation.
False flag operations are by definition conspiracies, which gives fuel to conspiracy theorists who repeatedly find false flags where none exist.
Many 9/11 truthers, for example, believe that Sept. 11 was a false-flag operation to justify the War on Terror, but the vast majority of false-flag conspiracy theories come in the wake of mass shootings like Sandy Hook. Virtually every major mass shooting in the last two decades was followed by a conspiracy theory claiming that the act was staged.
The logic is virtually always the same — the government wants a reason to confiscate guns, abolish the Second Amendment, and disarm the U.S. population.
If you answered ‘yes’ 10-17 times, the following conspiracy groups are recommended as a good match for your borderline “wannabe” neurotic traits.
7. THE MOON LANDING WAS A HOAX
More than a half-century after the Apollo 11 astronauts walked on the moon, scores of conspiracy theorists continue to insist it was all a Cold War hoax.
The theory goes that NASA, perhaps with the help of director Stanley Kubrick, staged the event in a Hollywood movie studio.
Some say it was done to one-up the Russians. Others believe it was part of a NASA plot to conceal the existence of a large planet that will one day destroy Earth.
8. TUPAC IS ALIVE
Given that he was killed on the Las Vegas strip in full public view in one of the most crowded and heavily policed areas in America, it is, indeed, unbelievable that Tupac Shakur’s murder has still not been solved.
For countless conspiracy theorists, that can only mean that the famous rapper was never really killed at all.
Tupac himself wrote some cryptic lyrics that surfaced on posthumously released material that could imply he faked his own death, particularly for those who wanted to believe it.
There has been no shortage of alleged Tupac sightings, and several photos of lookalikes have emerged.
The most common theories allege Shakur is alive, well, and living in Cuba or Belize, or that he’s right here in the U.S. hiding in plain sight.
9. DENVER AIRPORT CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Like Long Island’s Camp Hero, Denver International Airport has long been at the center of several wild conspiracy theories, and it doesn’t help that the airport’s CEO has fueled speculation with clever marketing campaigns.
One theory is that it was built by the New World Order and that it sits above the underground headquarters of the global Illuminati.
Others insist its underground tunnels contain passages to secret bunkers.
Still others have provided “evidence” that Nazi secret societies remain intact there, or that the airport’s artwork are predictors of the end of the world.
🙂 If you answered ‘yes’ fewer than 10 times, you’re lying and there’s still a conspiracy theory out there for you somewhere 🙂
All questions, with the exception of three humorous throw-aways, while created with a wink and a nod were nevertheless faithfully (albeit loosely) derived from published scientific studies investigating motives for joining conspiracy theories.
In particular, the following seminal publication which reviewed dozens of recent studies was extensively sourced:
“Understanding Conspiracy Theories.” Karen M. Douglas, et al. Advances in Political Psychology, Vol. 40, Suppl. 1, 2019
What psychological factors drive the popularity of conspiracy theories, which explain important events as secret plots by powerful and malevolent groups? What are the psychological consequences of adopting these theories? We review the current research and find that it answers the first of these questions more thoroughly than the second. Belief in conspiracy theories appears to be driven by motives that can be characterized as epistemic (understanding one’s environment), existential (being safe and in control of one’s environment), and social (maintaining a positive image of the self and the social group). However, little research has investigated the consequences of conspiracy belief, and to date, this research does not indicate that conspiracy belief fulfills people’s motivations. Instead, for many people, conspiracy belief may be more appealing than satisfying. Further research is needed to determine for whom, and under what conditions, conspiracy theories may satisfy key psychological motives.
🙂 🙂 🙂